Log in

No account? Create an account
11 April 2012 @ 12:21 am
it is an end of an era  
yesterday, was an end of an era 
I've finally succeed in ending a relationship that lasted for four year i think
with my ex-Best friend for the last two years, i was struggling in this, confused and felt used lied to manipulated, bottom line my trust in her was broken and i couldn't look at her the same again,even though i tried to but my heart wouldn't budge yet i lied to my feelings for the last year of this relationship and told myself to go on basically.

until i couldn't take it anymore,whoever knows me knows that i am a honest person and i am as direct as i could be, so lying to my own self was incredibly exhausting,i felt at heart quake each day of the last year.

i remember my feelings. the feelings of hatred and almost disgust ; when she talked to me,often i would ignore her,she joined BBM and then i really raged,I deleted her a week from her add, i deleted my twitter,she deleted hers after me, we talked on whatsapp and i made it clear that it is selfishness of her , and that this relationship and the love she said she loved me was for her and she didn't love me for myself, because if she did she would let me go, she finally got that i will be happier without her after a really long conversation, it was final that we have split apart, i reactivated then locked my twitter. to cut all ways of connection with her unfollowed her on tumblr, because i wouldn't want to be weakened or taken by emotions i knew goodbye would be hard, it's my first real goodbye after all , can i name it a first? because last year i cried in sorrow for the loss of my best friend who threatened me to suicide if i don't come back to her, that day and to me, she died , because everything beautiful in her was torn and that everything was my trust that i gave her , after that i just kept putting up with someone i couldn't stand because obviously i was too hurt of my broken trust.
 i just realized how much i was under the pressure of the "you are the reason i still breath" scenario that always played it beats in that relationship,i was really overwhelmed by the thought that if i left she wouldn't be able to live,because that idea grew in my mind in the middle of all the drama , i believed it.
she told me that I've hurt her as well, i cant continue running in this vicious circle , you hurt me and i hurt you you love me but i can't stand you yet sometimes i do, looking at the previous posts and realizing the months I've spent in that state .. i don't want to waste my life living this way and i know i can't change my feelings cause i really tried but it was no use, so it is the best that we split apart,go my own way and learn from this before it gets any worse.

being through those bad things that happened I believe i have matured, the conflict between my mind,my heart,what i should do and the consequences of doing what i felt like all collided into one thought in the end. 

if i let myself care, all i’ll get is pain.
people’s lives are their responsibility the way they live it the way they see things the way they act and the way they breath is their responsibility , it is not mine, i am not responsible over anyone but myself, it’s easier this way.
I wont let people dependency on me let me believe that i am responsible for them because they are responsible for themselves they are adults and they have to learn how to depend on their selves just like i did,or else they will get hurt and i will get hurt with them too , so i am doing this for the sake of both of us, for you not to get hurt because i know i can hurt you so bad, and for me not to get intimate and get hurt as well .

goodbyes are hard, truley
you get all those feelings of love back once you let go
but i can't let my emotions control me into coming back
i have to be strong for myself , i stood up for myself and struggled and in the end i wont give up what i struggled for a moment of passing emotions, I’ve finally got what i want in ending a relationship that was so emotional and hurting, i want to be done with that and go ahead and live my life smoothly and lightly , i’m sick of wasting my time with drama, 2 years of my life , I’ve tasted having a BEST friend and i tested the hurt that came from being attached, i have learned my lesson , i wont get attached, it’s for the best, contenueing this relationship will only make me grow into this hateful resentful person and i hate to see me like that because i know I KNOW i’m much better than hate,i want to be a great person so i’ll do whatever it takes to be happy, and i’ll focus my energy on myself. I will grow to be more stubborn and presistant for what I want , to be troublesome to people who crave to control me, I’ve always been a free spirit, i am that opinionated mother fucker.
no one will help me through my bad times, except for myself, i’ve learned for a matter of fact that even those who understand your situation not only wont the be there always yet also they will get bored of your problems , so solve it yourself you don’t need to nag too much.

in the end, if you are reading this, 
i wish the best for you but if you want to live your life like that then fine~ ~i’m not gonna concern myself or change direction i have my own life and i don’t want to live it the way i used to.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful